Carla Ulbrich: News

"If I Had the Copyright" received an Honorable Mention in the Comedy/Novelty category in the 2007 International Songwriting Competition (ISC).

ISC received over 15,000 entries from 100 countries throughout the world.

http://www.songwritingcompetition.com - complete list of winners.

In other news, Mike Delvecchia, a friend of mine and Philly songwriter, is naming a chicken after me!

Greetings Earthlings!
First and foremost, let me inform you that the official 2-letter post office abbreviation for Arkansas is AR. Just in case. I don't want you to drive up to Little Rock, Alaska hoping to hear me this Friday. It's rather out of the way. I learned this when i printed the postcards for my first CD release and one of the dates said "Little Rock, AK" (Ack! indeed).
AR Arkansas
AK Alaska
AL Alabama

also
LA= Louisiana (not Los Angeles, which is L.A.)

Well we all learned something didn't we? Except you postal workers of course. I've collected postage stamps since I was 9 (yes, and bottlecaps too, but I did give up my Archie comics collection at age 20). However, my stamp collection did not teach me the proper state abbreviations. Nor will the collecting of state quarters, which by the way, will be extended for another year to include territories such as Puerto Rico, Samoa and Guam.

Speaking of Samoa... Since you never know when you might end up on a game show or sitting next to someone on an airplane whose ear you want to chew off, here's some more trivia: Did you know the happy people of Samoa do not have a sense of humor about themselves? Don't pick on them. They're generally happy, but they do know how to open coconuts with their bare hands.

And hey did you know that in the first season of Sesame Street, Oscar the Grouch was orange? And now Sesame Street is trying to change "Cookie Monster" into "Carrot Monster." Changing Oscar's fur color was one thing, but this is going too far.

Did you know that you can write direct and make the perfect movie then ruin in with 5 seconds of poorly choregraphed fighting? (those who have seen it or read the blog I wrote called "I like kung fu movies??" will deduce I am talking about "Karate Kid 2").

Furthermore, the NY Jets and the NY Giants are both in New Jersey. And so am I. Take that New York! But, um, hey, NY, I will venture into "the city" on May 6 for a gig.

New Jersey does not have that season called "Spring" that happens in the South. They have winter from about Oct. 1 until May 31, then it's broiling hot until Labor Day. Then some rain and wind, and back to winter. Not complaining or anything, just sharing information.

As the Jerk (steve Martin) would say "I'm in the wikipedia. I'm SOMEBODY!"

And I didn't even write it myself.
Someone was kind enough to take the time to do a writeup of me for the wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carla_Ulbrich
Feel free to write in with corrections/ rebuttals/ embellishments.

I MADE IT!
I made it there, i made it home- from "The Soo" as they say. Sault Sainte marie that is, literally a stone's throw from Canada, and *north* of Toronto. That's right, Sault is pronounced "Soo." Those crazy Kanooks. I had a gig at LSSU (Lake Superior State U) on Feb. 5.

People were telling me to bring MREs and road flares, and mylar blankets, and a hand crank to charge my cell phone, and tire chains. And, as one person put it,"There are at least 200 days a year there that aren't shipwreck weather." How reassuring... Well, all that stuff wouldn't pass through the TSA at Newark, I'm sure.

I drove from DC to Toronto in December once in a car with no heat. Once. I ran out of gas on the NY thruway on the way back because my gas gauge *froze*. I had to hitchhike 18 miles to the next exit *and back*.

Call me a wimp, but this *is* where the Edmund Fitzgerald sank.
So i took the wimpy way out and let someone else take the wheel all the way there. Flew into the County airport and took a shuttle to the hotel.

Apparently, i just missed a blizzard in each direction. One had just blown through before i got there, and another was one the way the day i left. I'm glad i did it the way i did, even if i did have get up at 4am two days in a row and sit in the Chicago O'Hare airport for 9 hours while snow canceled flight after flight on the way home.

Oh yeah- and i had fun. The college students at LSSU were great, even if they don't give a petoot about the "banished words list" their school is so famous for. It's ok; i'm from Clemson and could not care less about football.

Nice to come home to a dancing puppy and a warm happy lovemuffin. This is much better than my old single life, coming home to a cold empty apartment with half-empty suitcases and piles of paper everywhere, wondering if a rapist is hiding in my closet and if someone has stolen my mail/ belongings/ identity while i was gone.

Every so often I google myself (insert your own idea of a punchline here).
I stumbled on this dictionary site with lots of fascinating facts about the Ulbrich name!
http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definition/ULBRICH
to look at your own last name, just delete my last name and type in yours at the end of that long web address. Dig those cool flag guys and dancing men spelling your last name. I love the dictionary.

Having just got some things cut off my skin (skin cancer runs in my family, so I was being proactive in getting it checked), I'm putting anbesol on my 5-stich wound and recalling fond memories of hospital and doctor visits...

15) catheter. I swear I should have filed for rape after that. I was in the hospital and they did a catheter, and got nothing (no pee), and wanted to do another one I said "I can get enough UTIs on my own without having a tube threaded up into my bladder. Tell your boss 'patient refused procedure.'" Did you know you could do that? yup. If they want pee, they'll just have to feed me water and wait for me to go in a cup.

14) cauterizing veins. Holy crap! how did i get talked into this one? I went to the dermatologist about something else and he talked me into getting all the little red veins on my nose cauterized- closed off for cosmetic reasons, so I'd have a nice smooth white skin around my nose. I hurt like the dickens (cauterizing= burning) and smelled like someone was grilling hamburgers on my face. Then afterward, for 2 weeks, it looked like I had lost a boxing match. My nose was completely purple. The worst part is, I got in a fight with my boyfriend long-distance over the phone, and he sent me a singing telegram to apologize. You should have seen the look on the singer's face, singing an apology song to a girl with a hideously bruised nose.

13) Iodine test. I can't believe they don't routinely ask people if they are allergic to iodine before they shoot it into their veins. This is what killed my grandmother. If you are allergic to shrimp, you should not get an iodine test.

12) Wisdom tooth extraction. The drugs and laughing gas are good enough that I don't remember the procedure but oh do i remember the aftermath. I was in bed for 2 weeks. Gaping holes in my mouth where 4 teeth were cut out, and antibiotics I was allergic to. I was 19, and my parents were out of town, so when I got a full-body rash from the drugs, I kept taking them because I didn't want to get an infection. 2 weeks of hot swollen full-body rash. And, I waited until I was in a lot of pain to take the pain pills. Don't do that!! Its too hard to control then, and you end up taking more or running out. I remember that my parents were out of town, because I was alone in their huge old house with cats and central air (which makes for lots of weir noises at night). I slept with a crowbar and told myself to sleep lightly. I woke up the next day and the crowbar had fallen on the hard floor and I hadn't woken up.

11) Hospital roommate getting an enema. Me, I feel better after a good enema. But I feel much worse after the person in the next bed, who has blockage and hasn't taken a dump in months, has an enema. Geez! And I was in with nausea and stomach flu that time. Oy! Private room, anyone?

10) Transfusions. Yuk, ew, gross. But sometimes really necessary. I got them twice in '02. I had a really bad reaction to one of them- cramps, aching, itching. I mean what if the donor ate shrimp or something else that gives me hives? Not to mention the diseases in some blood. And the weird karma. Takes forever, huge needle, freaks me out. Again, in the hospital all day, no diet orders, no food.

9) Getting marked with a sharpie. OK, if I mark myself with a sharpie to keep the doctor from lopping off a leg by mistake while I'm knocked out, that's one thing. But when the nurse puts big permanent marker Xs on my swollen feet where she found my pulses, that's dehumanizing.

8) Glaucoma test. I don't like having drops in my eyes at all, but certanly not some yellow crap that means I can't safely drive myself home from the eye doctor. But I *really* don't like having some hard plastic thing stuck up against my eyeball.

7) kidney (or other) biopsy. I've had 2 kidney biopsies. The first one, I told them I was a bleeder- I have a long bleeding time (takes em a long time to clot). There are lots of major vessels in the kidneys, so they cut me open so they could see what they were doing and make sure they didn't hit a major artery and have me bleed ot death for a dumb test. They put me under (not everyone wakes back up from anesthesia so I was nervous, but my doctor mocked me for being nervous. this was just before she "fired" me for "challenging her authoriry." Please.), stuck a tube down my throat (didn't warn me about that either. I'm a singer. Not good.), cut me open and grabbed a piece of tissue. Instead of sewing me up they put some weird see-through adhesive gauze on the gaping hole in my right side and of cousre it got infected. I'm allergic to so many antibiotics that I decided to kill it by taking 50 garlic pills a day., This was during the hot humid summer, so all that garlic killed my social life as well. No vampires though. End result? Tissue sample too small to be conclusive and my drug regimen remained unchanged. 8 years later i got another biopsy. I was in the hoispital all day waiting for coagulant, with no food. They didn't ahve to cut me open, but again the sample was too small and my treatment was uinchanged. When they asked me about doing a biopsy last year of my kidney I told them "You can biopsy me when I'm dead."

6) Prostate exam. Or as my hubby calls it, "Prostrate exam." To the rest of you who have yet to experience it, it's a finger up the wazoo, just for men. OK guys, I'll admit this can't be pleasant. they could at least warm up their hands for you. Of course we women have been subjected to a similar humiliation since puberty, but let's not let that take away from your pain. Esp when you can't see the doctor's hands and you're just taking his word for it that that's a finger in there. Which is bad enough.

5) EMG. should be called OMG! Holy CRAP! who the *%^# came up with this test? Especially for someone with nerve damage. Hello?! I'm already in pain! Zapping me with electrodes in increasing amounts of voltage, you can't be surprised when my legs jerk around in reflex. "Stop jerking!" "Stop zapping and I'll stop jerking." I never got past the first area of testing, my left ankle. Apparently they do both ankles, both knees, hands, elbows, maybe some other parts. I stood it as long as I could, but I was in so much pain I didn't even get 20% through the test. Appernetly, I missed the big finale where they stick a gigantic needle in your arm and zap the daylights out of you. I never even saw the neurologist. I told me rheumatologist how awful it was and she said "Oh I had one. it wasn't that bad." Do you have neuropathy? Then shut up!) Avoid this one if you can. I can't see any benefit to it, unless you are a dominatrix.

4) Mammogram, better known as slam-a-gland. I'm sure you can find a great description of this on the web somewhere. Or ask any woman over 40. I haven't had one yet. Some folks even think too many mammograms can increase your risk of cancer. If a man had to get his you-know-what slammed between 2 cold steel plates and then squished flat as a pancake, they would be storming capitol hill.

3) a bad phlebotomist. That means, they can't find a vein with a needle. I swear, some of them can't find a garden hose with a shovel. But those are not the phlebotomists- those are the doctors playing phlebotomist, who are rusty and out of practice. Never let a doctor stick you. Get the expert. If the doctor tries to stick you himself, say "Doctor, I think someone's beeping you. Send the Phlebotomist, please." Important rule: 2 sticks and you're out., If a nurse can't get a vein in 2 tries, she is supposed to call for someone else. It's an unspoken rule, but you as the patient can speak it. Only 2. it's not baseball.

2) drawing blood from my fingertip with a spring-loaded needle. OW! is there no other body part they can pull blood from? All my nerve endings are at my fingertips! Do they do this to POWs to get info out of them? I'd squeal in a second! "I'M A GUITAR PLAYER! STOP POKING HOLES IN MY FINGERTIPS! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW????"

1) Bone Marrow test. holy crap this was painful. OK I admit I had a crush on my hematologist, so I wore some cute flowery cotton vistoria's secret undies to my bone marrow test. don't do this! They got blood all over them. They put a big hole on one side of your back, just above the hip, stick a gigantic needle into your bone and draw marrow from the inside of your leg and you can feel it all the way to your tip of our big toe. I used up every cuss word I'd ever heard, went through the Fred Flinstone cussing vocabulary, and then had to make some more up. I'm sure it wasn't cheap either but at the time I had medicaid and it paid for everything. which may be why I had this (for me, at the time) unnecessary test. Once again, nothing about my treatment changed. Except for me doing contortions trying to clean and change a wound near the middle of my back.

These, however, are not so bad:
X rays (quick and painless, though probably not harmless)
MRIs (I just go to sleep)
Bone density test (non-invasive, slept through it)
Dental exam. Just the exam mind you.
sonograms (they get slime all over your abdomen, but it doesn't hurt at all)

Beware of doctors who are "test-happy" and remember you have the right to say no, especially if you are informed.

Musicians are always getting
awards. I thought I'd turn the tables and give awards to my gigs:

Least pay, Most fun Award (a tie): Nipplepalooza ("Nerdcore" comedy
music), CAAS (Chet Atkins Appreciation Society Convention, a 3-day
extravaganza of fabulous Chet-influenced guitar concerts, workshops
and jams, and Joe came along!)

Worst weather Award: North Iowa Comm College) A 4-day blizzard
lasting from Feb 28-March 3. I lived in the Holiday Inn in Mason
City, Iowa for 4 days, the school shut down on the day of the show
(as did the interstate), and I had to fly back in the fall to make up
the date. The makeup date was a blast, but that is not getting
factored into this award. I ate room service Caesar Salad, watched
Law and Order and went on the treadmill every day for 4 days. It was
like Groundhog Day (the movie). On the 4th day, I stuck my head out
of the hotel, saw my shadow and spent 2 hours digging my rental car
out of 3 feet of snow with nothing but an ice scraper and the brush
on the other end. Might I add, I learned on this trip that my "winter
coat" is entirely inadequate.

Stupidest routing Award: Texas, Alaska, England all in one month (I
booked this).

Most meaningful and skill-stretching gigs (3-way tie): Palliative
Care Conference, Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor,
"Healing and Humor" at the Unitarian Cluster Gathering . These
involve public speaking. Need I say more? Ok, I'll say more. Public
speaking is not the same as story and joke-telling, or singing
songs.

Most juvenile moment: sitting through a pain management lecture at
the Palliative Care conference, trying not to laugh every time the
speaker said "rectally" or "suppository."

Most sensory input per square foot award: Dragon Con (4 or 5 day
Science Fiction Convention in Atlanta)

"Why am i doing this? This sucks" award: a private party where the
already terminally angry guest of honor had just been surprised and
embarrassed to tears, then immediately plopped in front of me to be
roasted.

"Why am i doing this? i guess i'll find out later" Award (a tie):
1) attending the Swannanoa Gathering as a student (people who knew me
there kept saying "shouldn't you be teaching?" no, I'm here to learn.
But God had someething special in mind for me: a 2-hour impromptu
lecture the last night I was there, from an MD who was also there as
a student. He gave me the wag of the finger about how I was running
myself to an early grave by pushing so hard, and how I better make
some changes in my life. Which I have. Dr. Sal D'Angio of Black
Mountain. If you like the fact that I'm still alive, send him a
thank-you note).
2) A private party gig I took, after swearing off private parties,
where it turned out the guest of honor had had a stroke and was
frustrated by not being able to play the guitar (I've had a stroke
and re-learned the guitar. Neither the person who hired me nor I knew
about this connection when we agreed on a price, etc. for the party).
It was awesome.

"Whew! I didn't think I could pull that one off" Award: Tour of
England. Comedian peers of mine warned me that playing England can be
really tough. It doesn't all translate. I mean there's no Waffle house
over there, they don't know what a loogie is, and they don't laugh
very loud even if they do get it. After a shaky opener gig the first
night, I figured it out and had a blast. I'm even going back in 08!

"I am so lucky to be doing this for a living" Award (5-way tie): 12
step convention, NJ folk Fest, Avalon Nude Fest, Lakeside Music room,
Corning Comm. College

Joe and I drove the 800+ miles from NJ to visit my hometown of Clemson for Christmas. It's a good 10-15 degrees warmer here. My Mom made an executive decision a couple years ago and moved Christmas. So now we had our "Christmas Eve" party on Dec 23 (some would call that day "Christmas Adam"- as in what comes before Eve. OK never mind), where everyone who ever babysat me and everyone I ever babysat, and other folks who our family has known since my folks moved here before I was born, all drop in for hors d'euvres and how-are-yas.

Then "Christmas" is on Dec 24 morning- an obscene display of paper-tearing and consumerism (the living room on "Christmas" is now filled with mom, dad, their 3 daughters and sons in law and their 4 grandchildren. and random pets). Mom made an awesome "Christmas" "dinner" (one of those 2pm meals that's too big for lunch and then around 8 pm you say "hey I'm hungry and there aren't any leftovers because there are 12 people in the house").

So Joe and I wandered around the town of Clemson this evening looking for grub. It's is a ghost town when the university is not in session, and even moreso on Christmas eve. By 7:00pm, there is nothing open except Waffle House and the Chinese restaurant. Now I know how all the Jews feel on Christmas day every year.

So, we went to Waffle House of course, something that is practically de rigour (my I'm full of French tonight) whenever Joe comes to Clemson now (Joe of course, being the Joe of "one grit" fame from my waffle house chatter that sometimes precedes my rendering of my Waffle house song).

Well, holy crap it was freaking cold in there. I mean it was warmer outside, and this is sweater and coat weather. I'm like "what the??? is the A/C on?" Yes, not just on, but full blast. The grill cook says if he can't crank the A/C, he ain't cooking. I guess he's well aware that he is the only man in town cooking on Christmas Eve. You don't like it, go get a bag of combos as the BP. I ordered some hot chocolate, which quickly became cool chocolate, and Joe went out to the car and got my hat and the 2 blankets I keep in the car to cover my guitars/ sit on the grass and have an impromptu (more French?) picnic. I swear i was about to start a campfire in the ashtray.

I tried later to call the customer service number (1-877-9WAFFLE) but they were closed for the holiday. Calling not for my sake, but those waitresses are going to catch pneumonia. Then Mr "I'm too hot in front of this grill" is going to have to sling *and* bring the hash.

thankfully, the food was good (it always is), and I had a sense of humor (I almost always do), so I was amused, even in the moment, by our shivering in blankets in the booth of the waffle house eating hash browns while the juke box played "Gramma Got Run Over By a Raindeer."

After 24 hours with my nieces, old friends and family, receiving the new Van Halen pictorial history book (and reading the whole thing cover to cover today), and one of my most memorable trips to Waffle house in a while (and that's saying something), anything else that happens this week is gravy. Wafle ho ho HO!

Speaking of Waffle House...
Congratulations and "thank yous!" to Eric Hoeppner (a.k.a.
"Tellemtall" the storyteller) for taking 3rd place in the "What is
Your Favorite Waffle House Song?" Essay Contest. (His favorite songs
being "The Guy Who Changes the Light Bulbs, by... me). I hope you
enjoy your- what do you get? a free placemat/ menu? A slice of Sara
Lee frozen pie? A slightly used coffee cup? Let us know.

I read a study a while back that said a negative stressor like getting yelled at can negatively affect your immunity for up to 12 hours, whereas a positive experience, such as getting together with friends for fun, can positively affect you immunity for up to 3 days.

In fact, in the DVD "The Secret," this same principle is touched upon: we have 60,000 thoughts a day (!). Thankfully, the positive ones have more power to affect your reality than the negative ones. Of course if there are no positive thoughts... that could be a problem.

The lesson? it's more important to have fun than it is to avoid stress.

My still newlywed husband and I (not quite 6 months yet) were invited to a big family gathering. We were extended family, as in Joe's sister-in-law's family. We've met a number of these folks before at birthday parties, etc.

So the Patriarch of the Day was Florio, who every year rents a big party bus, gives all his grandkids some money, and we go into New York City (from Yonkers) and go to Toys R Us. Then we go see the big tree at Rockefeller Center. some of us, including me, also stopped into St. Patrick's Cathedral, which is beautiful and has a life-size nativity scene in he sanctuary. I lit a candle ad said a prayer for my Aunt, who is struggling with cancer and related problems.

At the tree, which is also where the ice skating rink is, I was so fortunate to have ended up at that place during the very time that a Tuba Christmas was going on! Every year, for many years now, a bunch of tuba players gather under the Big Tree and play Christmas carols. Only tubas allowed! there were 450 tubas this year! I had heard of this because I played tuba in high school. I never thought I'd see it in first person!

We also saw the friendly neighborhood Spiderman on the sidewalk, 2 cops on horses, and Santa driving a stretch limo.

We all then had a huge Italian dinner at an authentic Italian place that feeds you for 2-3 hours straight. FYI: the pizza is just an appetizer at such a place. Pace yourself.

We should be immune to anything tomorrow!

OK so if you didn't go to nipplepalooza III in Rochester (aka "comedy music night" on my webpage- I didn't want to scare you guys off. Or myself)... you missed out. It was truly fun. I had a great time performing a I learned a few things.
For example, I learned that playing a musical instrument was "totally retro." I thought that South Park episode of Guitar Hero was a joke. Apparently it was a prophecy.
I'm so 20th century. The sound guy had to hunt for a guitar cable when it was time for my set.

Who's lazier: someone who can't be bothered playing an instrument or someone who can't figure out how to record music onto a computer?

I learned about "garbage plates" a Rochester bit of "cuisine" involving lots of meat and side dishes all mashed together on one plate. I guess you need a lot of calories in that weather.

I got to see my old friend Paul (haven't seen him in years, just in cyberspace), who drove in from Utica and was totally new to "nerdcore" music, and had never seen an "ipod act" before, much less 3 in one night.

The door guy at the Brew Haus asked me if I was over or under 21. That's always nice. Except of course if you're not. I love when the guys at the baseball park ask my DAD for an ID. He's like "What you think I'm too OLD to drink?"

I got to watch 4 other wacky fun acts- I just love worm quartet (SEX DRUGS SATAN DRUGS), and i had never seen Sudden Death before, who was really good (yes, "was," you British grammar hounds- it really is one dude, not a group). Love the accompanying videos!!! Also saw Ookla the Mok, who regaled us with a new (old resurrected) song about math.

Froze my face off in the parking lot (figured the name "nipplepalooza" must refer to the effects of 15 degree weather combined with wind). I got to stay at the Shoebox family home, eat great food, spend fun time with Shoebox, wife, offspring, and Rob Balder. we all stayed up til after 5am and slept past 2pm.

We talked about the FuMP, a collaborative online funny song project that I have neglected to ever send any music in to because I'm so retro I'm still figuring out how to sent them some cd quality songs that I haven't released yet. (note: I finally succeeded. With some help from Joe, my song "National A**hole Directory" went live on the fump in March 08) www.thefump.com
Then I enjoyed my 6-hour drive home, listening to XM and stinking up my car with a tuna and onion sandwich (the joys of riding alone!), then being greeted at the door by my muffin and doggy (I chewed some gum first).

The holidays are upon us, which causes many of us to wax... politically correct. But not everyone!
A few years ago I was a guest musician for several dates on the What I LIke About Jew's (the former Comedy Duo) December tour (now called "Jewlicious"). They had this one sing-along song, and I noticed that every night, at the part where they would say "Now, just the Goyem" nobody would sing. See, Goyem don't know they're Goyem. Including me. All my life I thought I was a middle-class white girl, a Professors' kid (2 parents with PhDs, Dr. and Dr. Ulbrich. I used that apostrophe right; the plural possessive). Then one day I learned I was WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant). That means I'm not Catholic (or atheist now I think of it). Now my world view is shattered again, to find I've been a Goy all my life without knowing it; Goyem are non-Jews.

A sheggitz is a non-Jew male, and a shiksa is a non-Jew female (at least that is what they told me; I think it really means "slut-whore trying to steal a man from the Tribe"). "Are you a member of the tribe" is code for "Are you Jewish?" Kind of like a "Are you a friend of Bill W?" sorta thing.

I don't really like the word "Goy." It sounds derogatory. It reminds me of yogurt, which sounds gross 'til you try it (but that's another story). I decided we Goyem should make it like the N word- we can call each other "Goy" ("Yo, Goy!") but no one else can, or we'll call Jesse Jackson and get them fired from their movie studio. The G word.

A couple of 8-year-old boys bring us the long overdue invention: wedgie-proof underwear!!

I, being the author of the song "The Wedgie," am always kept abreast, of should I say "a-cheek" of all things wedgie. Don't call me "wedgie Woman, though, because that's a character in Captain Underpants.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071102/ap_on_re_us/odd_underwear_invention

What an incredible time we all had at Dragon Con. For those of you who think Science Fiction fans are just a bunch of dorks, well don't underestimate how much fun it can be to hang out with 27,000 dorks for the weekend. Not to mention, I can use my whole vocabulary in that kind of company! I mean the big words, not the 4-letter ones. Celebrities, podcasters, gamers, musicians, people in costume, independent films, science fiction authors, panels, workshops, an enormous dealer room, parties, all spread across 3 adjacent hotels in downtown Atlanta every labor day weekend now for 20 years. I'm not too proud to say I love to go to Science Fiction Conventions- I've been to lots of them. This is my 4th or 5th time attending DragonCon, and there's something for everyone there (even a childcare room). www.dragoncon.com
I was a guest, meaning my costs were paid for by Dragoncon (thanks, Dragoncon!), so I got to do 4 concerts over the weekend, including a really fun split 90-minute show with Joe Giacoio. I also played Molly Pitcher on a live recorded episode of Dr. Floyd, an old-time radio style podcast. Totally G-rated and educational and hilarious. www.doctorfloyd.com. This podcast won 3 awards over the weekend at DragonCon. They've had guests such as Dr. Demento and "Father Guido Sarducci" appear on their show.

Florida was once again amazing and fun. 2 great shows, great audiences, a nice article about me in the Orlando Sentinel, and some nice visiting time with friends, and I got my *@#* taxes done (I always get an extension). The rain was insane on my drive- I drove from NJ to NC, then SC to GA to FL, and I was caught in several heavy summer thundershowers. I am no longer too proud to pull over and read or get a waffle or otherwise occupy myself 'til it passes.

I was so tired after DragonCon that I drove 2 hours to my folks' house on Monday and fell asleep at 6pm. I am no longer too proud to stop drinking caffeine and just go to bed when I'm exhausted. Really, once you give up pride, the world is your oyster. This, however, does not apply to personal hygiene. Having just returned from a 4-day science fiction convention may or may not have made me think of that.

I had a beautiful time playing for the Bedside Harp Salon (meeting)- these folks go to patients' bedsides and play for them. They are an amazing bunch of folks. I am in awe of caregivers who put themselves out on a limb all day long, every day, usually for not the biggest paycheck. God's hands and feet. I played my ridiculous songs about waiting room and IV needles and a disappearing butt for God's hands and feet. I believe God has a sense of humor. I'm actually sort of counting on it.

The Avalon Nude festival was really fun. Such nice people. I once again left my clothes on (except my shoes, but I'm always taking my shoes off- I'm a lifelong nudist from the ankles down). My beau won the rising star (interesting name at a nude fest) song contest there that weekend as well! it really is beautiful in PawPaw, WV.

Man did I have a great trip to England. I found my way there (got up at 5am to catch the flight), had great gigs (I *love* the folk clubs over there!), found my way back, and managed to only lose an item or 2 in the process. I also managed to avoid blood pudding and other frightening English Cuisine, and found plenty of good things to eat (there goes the stereotype). Our french fries will never compare to their "chips," and their chocolate and cheese is far superior. I ate some healthy food too but who remembers things like that?

And, yes, I got to go sightseeing- my beau came over during my time between gigs and we went to Stonehenge, Bath, Windsor castle, Westminster abbey, St. Paul's cathedral, the Tower (where they imprisoned and tortured people. Hey, maybe we can sell tickets to tour Guantanamo someday, if the apocolypse doesn't come first), the London Eye (overpriced slow-moving huge enclosed ferris wheel kind of thing that makes for a good landmark to destroy in a horror flick)- all with Joe. Then, Abbey road (got my picture crossing the road barefoot), Petticoat Lane (outdoor market), and the tail end of the marathon (where lots of people dress up in ridiculous costumes and run the marathon like that)... some runners not even in costume collapsed and one died from heat exhaustion/ dehydration- the stations ran out of water in several places. folks there are not used to running in 80 degree weather...

Speaking of exhaustion, I hope to return to England in about 18 months if I haven't exhausted my friend Martin with this past trip. Or grossed him out completely with my "potty mouth" and "hooligan" ways. (FYI, use the words "bollocks" and "wanker" sparingly in England, at least among polite company.) He put the whole thing together and invested a lot of time, just because he liked my music and thought it would be fun.

Weirdest of all, the nicest weather I've experienced this year was in England. I was prepared for 2 weeks of dreary weather. Who thought I'd go to England to finally get some fresh air and sunshine? FYI, America, England may still be Merry and Olde in places, but London is no longer foggy. They've really gone green, cleaning up their air, and fog/ smog is no longer an issue. Pop! There goes another stereotype.

It was a 7 hour plane ride to London from NJ, certainly made more pleasant by the nice staff and good food and video entertainment on board Virgin Airlines.

Someone accidentally picked up my luggage and took it with them at Newark. I knew that was what happened because there was a bag that looked just like mine left on the carousel only it had come from Delhi. Same color, even damaged in the same place (and just as heavy as mine). Mine was delivered today. I'm smart enough not to pack my camera, computer, prescriptions or cell phone in my checked bags, but all my decent clothes were in that bag. I can only imagine the Indian woman's reaction to my assortment of clothing and Beatles books ("hideous! scandalous! Hey is that a bottle of vicodin?"). Nothing a good 12 hours sleep wouldn't fix...

By the way, I'm annoyed that in England, they refer to the Newark airport as "Newark, New York." Newark is in New Jersey. I mean really, New York, don't you get enough attention as it is? can't we at least have the airport? Your airport sucks, quit glomming onto ours! Oh geez I'm defending New Jersey now. Folks from other countries are very confused about all this. one guy thought New York City was in New Jersey. Then didn't understand why New York city was not the capital of new York. Then I told him how at one time New York was the capital of the US (which it was), and that New York City is actually New York, New York. I bet he can't wait to get back to Belgium.

It's 6am here. I went to bed at 11 and got up at 330am. My body clock is all screwed up.

I got stranded for 4 days in Mason city, Iowa in a blizzard in a Holiday inn. I was in the Holiday Inn; the blizzard was outside. I was supposed to play at N. Iowa Comm. College on 3/1, but the school was closed because of weather. I figured it might be cold and snowy, but didn't think things would shut down.

The rental car agent in Minneapolis kept trying to bump me up to an SUV (for only twice the price) or at least a full size for my drive to Mason City. I thought she was just trying to make a buck. So i stuck with a compact, not realizing I was driving into a winter storm. It was getting really hard to keep it between the lines. partly because of the wind, partly because there were no visible lines to keep the car between. So I drove 50 mph for a while (only 50 miles left, I'll be there in an hour), then 40 (I'll be there in 50 minutes), then 25 (I'll be there by Friday...) for the last hour and a half, prying my fingers off the steering wheel at the end.

Anyway, at least there was a fitness room at the hotel, an indoor pool and a pinball machine (and room service). It's far better than being hungry, cold, thirsty and stranded in a field in a rental car that ran out of gas after idling for 2 days. Or being part of the Donner Party. (how's that for an endorsement for the holiday inn? Actually, the HI is pretty OK with me. Except for that one where I saw a bedbug).

I had planned to drive up to Bloomington (Minneapolis), MN for Marscon on 3/2, but the interstate was closed. The high wind/ whiteout warning continued on 3/3, and after my frightening drive on Wed., I wasn't about to mock the weather.com page's warnings in my crappy little economy rental car ("do not travel. if you must travel, bring a winter survival kit." I don't even know what would be in a winter survival kit.), esp. after seeing about 10 stranded/ overturned cars on the way down.

So, I watched a bunch of Law and Order episodes, went to the change machine and worked on my state quarter collection (still missing PA from 1999), and finally made it to Marscon on Sunday after an hour and a half of digging my car out of the snow.

Upon returning to New Jersey we had an 8-inch snow and ice storm the day before St. Patrick's Day. The kind of snow you can walk on top of without snowshoes. Our poor little dog's toes are freezing. Will I ever get to put away my winter coat? It's not even *my* winter coat, as my winter coat is far too pathetically thin for this type of weather. I've been wearing a nice toasty coat that's a little too big for me. I found it in my boyfriend's closet. Turns out it's his ex-girlfriend's ex-huband's coat... Too weird, but oh so toasty. Hope he doesn't read this- he'd want it back for sure.

Nov. 4 brought the Just Plain Folks Awards Show, where my song, "What If Your Butt Was Gone," was chosen as novelty song of the year. This is a huge honor. I sent the CD in over a year ago, but as you can imagine, it takes a long time to go through entries from all over the world, and all over the musical map as well.

My CD, "Sick Humor" made it to the "final 7": nominated Novelty albums for 2006.

My song "If I had the Copyright" (The F word song) made it to the "final 21": nominated songs in the Lyric catergory. The lyric contest started with over 500 entries in the Lyric Category.

More than 25,000 CDs were entereed in 81 genres this year, including truly obscure and truly famous musicians, all on the same playing field (Poco, Tiffany, Preston reeed, Christin Lavin).

Well, the movie hit a few theaters before going to DVD...

One of my songs, "If I Had the Copyright," was featured in a nationally-released documentary released NOVEMBER 10, 2006: "F**k: A F**kumentary" (won't my parents be proud?). The song is pretty early in the movie. The movie (entitled F**K) is about the "F" word, its usage and history, and the issue of censorship in present-day US culture. Distributed by Thinkfilm, the same folks who brought you "The Aristocrats" last year (*not* "The AristoCATs," which is a Disney film and completely different subject matter). www.fourletterfilm.com/trailer.htm
With a name like "F**K," it probably didn't make its way to every theater in the US, but it is availble on DVD and will be subsequently appearing on Showtime (in '07). Perhaps some DVD copies will inadvertently find their way into porn shops, only to disappoint customers with academic discussions on the F-word between fully clothed people. All discourse, no intercourse...

The movie smashed the Guinness Book record for the most times the F word is used in a movie, with more than 800 usages. With the new FCC fines of $325,000 per offense, it would cost a network Television show over $260Billion in fines alone for one airing of this movie (think of all the politicians that could buy!). So, I think my obscurity is pretty safe for now- no network TV appearances.

Fear not, people- my live shows remain clean, with no swearing, and when this song is performed, it is done with a bleeper (see the video on the home page). Numerous fans have reported their very conservative relatives laughing very hard at this song, which, if you are paying attention, is actually a statement about the *overuse* of the F word.

Now let's hope the lack of swearing on stage doesn't drive away the new fans...

Here's a funny blog about the movie by someone who has seen it (beware- the F word is used a lot):
http://www.radicalleft.net/blog/_archives/2006/4/28/1901947.html

the latest issue of "Dig This Real" Magazine features a fantastic article about "Sick Humor," my most recent CD release. The song "Prednisone" was chosen for inclusion on the accompanying Compilation CD. Check out the teaser on the cover of the magazine: "Getting Sick= fun music. Carla Ulbrich demostrates"
www.digthisreal.com

What's a nice girl like me doing on a channel like this??
After years of meticulously keeping the live shows and lyrics squeaky clean so as not to offend anyone.... I will be featured on The Red Peters show, on the Howard Stern Channel on Sirius radio 7pm Eastern time on Fri., April 21 and re-broadcast several times over the following 2 weeks. There will be a short interview segment with me and DJ Red Peters (not Howard! not ready to go on the air naked yet) and one of my songs will be aired.

Don't worry. My live shows are still PG-rated. Nothing about me has changed, except that one big station found one song they liked.

I recorded a podcast episode while in Austin, and it is now available for download! The show is called "Austin Connection" and is a 30-minute show of interview and songs recorded in the studio there, hosted by Jeffrye Glen Tveraas. subscribe for free and listen at
http://www.austinconnection.net. Got friends you want to introduce to my songs, but they don't like to leave the house and go to a concert? Maybe this will work...
*As of April 1, this podcast session is still #1 ranked on Austinconnection.com! cool!

Just returned from Folk Alliance in Austin, where I won 2nd place in the "Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face" song contest. My entry was called "Dick Cheney's got your back." i bought an interface for my mac so i could record these short-shelf-life songs and slap them on the webpage, but it's still in the box.
{Ed: As of 4/10/08 I still haven't figured out how to use that stupid interface. On the plus side, I had all the time in the world and came up with a 3rd verse. Of course the whole thing is old news now so who cares? Maybe if I'm lucky he'll shoot someone else in the face. Like himself? Now that's uncalled for.}

Congratulations to uh, me, for making "The Official dfsxradio.com
Top 100 Novelty Hits of 2005", coming in at #15 with "Scrambled Eggs" and #14 with "The Force is the Force." (as in Star Wars). http://www.dfsxradio.com/91a5top100.htm These 2 songs are not even officially released yet, "Scrambled Eggs: was recorded in Dr. Demento's studio during an interview and the MP3 seems to have made its way around the internet.

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Song Contest:
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I was again chosen as a finalist USA songwriting competition contest, in the novelty category, this time for "If I Had the Copyright" (The F word song).

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My lyrics are part of a college textbook
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My song "It reminds Me of You" is quoted (almost in entirety) in a recently released book about unrequited love ("Loves Me, Loves Me Not," Smit). This book appears to be required reading for a college course at a theology school. I think the song is in there as an example of the consequences of sin (seriously!). And I had always thought of myself as a "how-to" songwriter...

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KIDNEY KALENDAR features 3 CARLA ULBRICH LYRICS
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3 of my songs are quoted in full in the kidney kalendar ("What if your butt was gone," "On the commode again," "I got rhythm"). This is a British fundraising effort for kidney disease research, and features some ridiculous poses of patients and "doctors" (we don't think they are real doctors, but they play doctors on the calendar). Interested in obtaining a copy for your kidney doctor or kidney patient? They're quite colorful. e mail Nikki for info shurvipants@aol.com . They were printed in England and may be hard to obtain from other continents.

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TV
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In December, I recorded a 30-minute interview for "Community Corner," a TV show filmed in Somerset, NJ. The show is now canceled. Its not my fault, really! :) My episodes aired in late December and will probably re-run several times in 2006 in several counties in NJ. The cool thing is, the show aired both on the local channel and it locally pre-empted CNN headline news for 5 minutes every half-hour for a day. Oprah hasn't called... yet.

I won 2 costume contests with my Halloween get-up: "Whoopie Cushion Goldberg." I beat my boyfriend in one contest and bunch of children in the other contest... one of the prizes was a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. Perhaps I should have used the prize to buy a book on manners, as when I beat my boyfriend in the contest I jumped up and said "in your face! HAHA!" Fortunately for the children, the other contest was an online photo contest.