Carla Ulbrich: Professional Smart Aleck

 
 

Professional Smart Aleck CD

Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-00
Carla Ulbrich

Story

Ramblings about growing up going to public school in South Carolina.

Lyrics

How to pronounce "Clemson" and other important facts.
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-20
Carla Ulbrich

Story

I wrote this after doing a phone interview for a newspaper about my music. I was spaced out on Benadryl during a systemic case of full-on poison Ivy. or Oak. I never saw the leaves- I was pulling up roots from the garden.

Lyrics

It was late in the evening I was tired I was ill I was feeling really groggy From taking too much Benadryl So you called and we talked for 5 hours And I don't remember a thing Except before I hung up the phone I do remember saying I have to kill you now You know more than I can allow Unless you can forget somehow I have to kill you now I could speculate on what I might have said Was it how I flunked the seventh grade How my high school friends called me Smurfette Did I rattle on about my cat And talk about my allergies And I wonder did I blab about my stay in drug rehab I have to kill you now You know more than I can allow I could extradite you to Moscow Or I could kill you now The way most people see me I’m hardly ever serious Fun loving easy going And a tad mysterious You with your tape recorder You with your Smith-Corona One published article Could peel away my whole persona I have to kill you now You know more than I can allow I will let you choose how But I have to kill you now So you wonder did I kill him And is all the other stuff true I cannot reveal those things ‘cause then I’d have to kill you too I have to kill you now You know more than I can allow You've lived a good life anyhow I have to kill you now
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-20
Carla Ulbrich

Story

This song is the inevitable result of driving around in the South at night, playing a lot of Boggle and Scrabble, and eating at Waffle house.

Lyrics

The guy who changes the light bulbs changes everything He makes things how they once were; security he brings He’s got power he brings meaning he sheds light on things The guy who changes the light bulbs changes everything See Waffle House is AFFLE HOUSE without its ‘W" And while you might agree with that, you’d fix it if it were you And here’s another problem for which there’s no excuse No ‘h’ no ‘o’ I don’t know- what is WAFFLE USE? CHORUS When the guy at the RAMADA has a boss who’s a tightwad We’re left with RAM or ADA, sometimes AMAD Or DA which is "yes" in Russia or perhaps the sun god RA Sometimes they just AM, sometimes MAD is all they are "How about some French cuisine?" you might ask your spouse When up ahead you clearly see a sign that says ‘LE HOUSE’ And whatever may befall me may I never sink so low As to have to give it up for food and become a WAFFLE HO CHORUS So does the guy who every morning delivers your newspaper The one who cleans the bathroom and refills the toilet paper The priest who sits and listens to the sins of the confessor And I just don’t know where I’d be without my hairdresser If you’re feeling unimportant like you might as well go fishing Think back on those highway signs with several letters missing Because the guy who changes the lights bulbs has a most important job When he’s missing how we miss him -- things get really odd He’s got power, he brings meaning -- he’s practically a god! The guy who changes the light bulbs has a most important job
Carla Ulbrich
0000-00-00
Arthur "Big Boy" Crudup

Story

A fingerstyle piece. Arranged by Billy Denham- I picked up his arrangement at the Chet Atkins Convention. I love this song! Written by Arthur Crudup, not Gene Slone (which is how I listed it in the CD booklet).
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-20
Carla Ulbrich

Story

I dedicate this to my former shrink who "didn't have time to listen to my problems" and ended up in jail for Medicaid fraud.

Lyrics

I used to be leery of shrinks I thought psychologists were jerks But now look at me exhibit C Proof that therapy works Session One she asks me "Now where shall we start?" I said "I wish I were more together That feeling tears me apart I’m concerned I might be worrying too much And I can’t stop thinking about whether I’m obsessive Everybody thinks I’m paranoid Gank thod I’m not lysdexic" I used to be leery of shrinks I thought psychologists were jerks But now look at me exhibit C I’m proof that therapy works She says I should stop saying should And I said "Yeah you’re right. I should. But I can’t stop saying can’t." She said "Now never say never." I said… "I never would" One of these days I’m going to stop procrastinating I put it on my list every day But I seriously doubt I can stop being negative I mean what’s the point of that anyway? She gets 90 bucks an hour And more than a couple perks But I carry no resentment ‘cause I’m proof that therapy works I have shown so much improvement I am sure I’m on the mend ‘Cause I have stopped repeating myself Over and over and over again Ad nauseum redundantly Repeatedly without end… And I no longer constantly exaggerate Every single thing all of the time And I have ceased endless rambling in run-on sentences that make no sense and that no one seems to care about except maybe me and even that is sometimes questionable and I watch as people’s eyes glaze over as if they had been up for 3 days straight studying for an exam or maybe driving all night because they forgot to reserve a hotel room and they were in Florida and they were afraid to pull over and take a nap because they had just read Flannery O’Connor’s "A Good Man is Hard to Find" But of all I’ve overcome so far Of this I am most proud: I no longer need to discuss my problems In the presence of a crowd Yes I’m ever so much better now It drives my jealous friends berserk Get a sliding scale fee you can be like me Proof that therapy works
Carla Ulbrich
0000-00-00

Story

well what can i say? i just get tired of having my name butchered. Ul-bich on a marquee was quite a memorable gaff. And this is why I am President of the Difficult Last Name Club.

Lyrics

My name is Carla It is not Darla It is not Clara Carol Claire Marla or Starla My middle initial is a K It stands for Kay But the first name is C-A-R-L-A Carla Ulbrich What’s in a name A name is a name is a name is a name is a name As for the last name here’s the hitch It looks like it should be pronounced yule brich But we say ole brick though there’s no ‘K’ in sight If we were German we would say it right Carla Ulbrich A German name A rose that had my name would smell the same I was in Borders Standing in line A book of baby names caught my eye Under "Carla" It said "see Charles" I thought it was gonna say "see Carl" Cause that’s my dad’s name And my granddad’s They tried for a boy I’m the closest one they had Under Charles Almost uncanny Charles’ definition is… "manly" Carla Ulbrich A manly name A man is only as good as her name My Great great grandmother She was Deutsch She fell in love with the stable boytch They had a baby He was a cute one But the stable boy’s last name was Von Pfannekuchen How do you spell that?! For heavens’ sake Translated it means "pancake" Carla Pancake That I could see Pancakes are short and sweet, just like me I’m singing a song About my name You must think that I am really vain But I’m not the first one to have such a song BINGO had one he was just a dog C-A-R-L-A C-A-R-L-A C-A-R-L-A and Carla was her name-o
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-20
Carla Ulbrich

Story

This was written on something of a dare. Or maybe a threat. I was at my first "song circle" in New Jersey, and they pass a hat around for folks to throw song topics into. Then 2 ideas are drawn for everyone to write on for next month's meeting. I was being an ass and I wrote "Wedgie" on a slip of paper, mostly to perturb Joe, who was sitting next to me and had inflicted me on these poor unsuspecting souls. Of course my topic was drawn from the hat and everyone was annoyed.l So I had to call in my finished song over the speaker phone the next month from back home.

Lyrics

It was a dark and stormy night There was no avoiding my destiny I tried to put up a fight But there was no escaping… the wedgie I’d rather get the rack I’d rather walk the plank Than have to re-live that vertical yank I live with the impending feeling of doom From that close encounter with the fruit of the loom The wedgie If I ever had a question I am sure now of what I believe The preacher was right when he said Sunday night It is better to give than receive The wedgie I thought I had almost forgotten the trauma Forgiven the people who’d done me so wrong Til my recent vacation the Sunny Bahamas And everyone there was wearing a thong! Flashbacks! Seizures! Heart Palpitations! An untimely end to my lovely vacation My friends Mike and Dan say they can’t understand Why I can’t put it all… behind me The wedgie I found a therapist in the field Many dollars and several months later We finally conclude it was my attitude Fear is great but a brave act is greater I would never adjust ‘til I did what I must And so nervous and frightened and edgy I approached my best friend reached out toward his rear end And with all of my might pulled to maximum height And I screamed out in triumph….. Wedgie!
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-20
Carla Ulbrich

Story

This is a true story about my cousin Glenn, the fella who wrote "Toasted Chicken Sandwich."
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-20
Glenn Hanson

Story

Live version of this song (written by my cousin). Several years after recording the song, Joe proposed to me in the middle of me performing it at a convention in Orlando. (I said yes. He was wearing a penguin costume- how could I say no?)

Lyrics

Well I almost decided to marry you But that ain't the right thing for me to do I don't love ya darlin’ can't you see It's the Toasted Chicken Sandwich and the big glass of sweet ice tea All those nights I dated you at your home It wasn't 'cause I didn't wanna be alone It's because of those great snacks you fixed for me Like a toasted chicken sandwich and a big glass of sweet ice tea I was always sweet I was never rude But before I'd kiss you I'd ask for food You'd buzz through the kitchen like a bumblebee And fix a Toasted Chicken Sandwich and a big glass of sweet ice tea You thought your food was the key to my heart Now I realize you're kinda smart There's only one way to marry me That's a Toasted Chicken Sandwich and a big glass of sweet ice tea You ain't that good lookin' But I like your cookin' Get into that kitchen Bring me some chicken You're makin' me high When I look at that thigh Of a Toasted Chicken Sandwich A finger lickin' sandwich Toasted Chicken Sandwich and a big glass of sweet ice tea Toasted Chicken Sandwich and a big glass of sweet ice tea Toasted Chicken Sandwich and a big glass of sweet ice tea
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-00
Carla Ulbrich

Story

I wrote this after a long road trip where I was having a hard time staying awake and the only thing I could get on the radio was the syndicated "Delilah" program- ALL LOVE SONGS (Zzzzzzzzzzz).

Lyrics

I don’t like corny schlocky sappy songs About the way it was when you were mine But every time I turn on the radio It's the only kind of song I can find On every station an irritating whiny steel guitar I've nearly worn out the seek button on the radio in my car I don’t like corny schlocky sappy songs About the way it was when you were mine But every time I turn on the radio It's the only kind of song I can find Some guy in a cubicle trying to sound beautiful He breaks out his thesaurus throws in another chorus He took songwriting classes He's writing for the masses That's where it all begins I will not be sucked in By a corny schlocky stupid tacky boring song about the way it was when you were mine every time I turn on the radio it's the only kind of song I can find Between the news and the preacher and the shouting car ads It's hard to find a song at all and then I’m really mad when it’s a Boring stupid crappy sappy tacky song about the way it was when you were mine About how when you kissed me I melted inside How when we parted part of me died How I often wondered if you'd ever come back I'd never write about that Because… I don’t write corny schlocky stupid songs About the way it was when you were mine Every time I turn on the radio It's the only kind of song I can find I don’t like corny schlocky lame pathetic sappy pointless unsubstantial vapid boring tedious monotonous long and drawn out Songs about the days when you were mine
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-00
Gene Slone

Story

Fingerstyle instrumental performed on a Godin. This was written by Gene Slone, not Merle Travis as I listed in the CD booklet.
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-00
Carla Ulbrich

Story

I wrote this on the way home from one of my last bar gigs ever. I used to play a lot of restaurants, bars, bookstores, etc. for a living, when I lived in Atlanta and was working on my 1st CD. I thought I was enjoying them OK until I wrote this song on the way home from that last gig and then read the lyrics...

Lyrics

Across the room it was the girls’ night out Asked me for Alanis Morissette And I thought they were applauding But they were just packing down their cigarettes So I went for something easy Played a song that everybody likes to hum And I thought they all were singing ‘til I realized They were only chewing gum It’s like the gods have spoken "So you are making this your trade? Would you like to be listened to Or would you rather be paid?" They were applauding they were cheering They were hanging on each syllable I said Or so I thought until I saw the football game On TV just above my head "Well you get to drink for free," they said. I don’t think they’ll ever get the joke I have tried but I could never swallow Fifty dollars worth of Diet Coke It’s like the gods have spoken "So you are making this your trade? Would you like to be listened to Or would you rather be paid?" I’m only drinking soda I didn’t come here to get laid It’s nice to be listened to But either way I still get paid (for singing) It’s not been an evening It’s not complete until I’ve heard Several lewd suggestions And someone loudly hollering…. "Freebird" You think that’s funny? Go ahead and say it One day you’ll regret it Because I’ll actually play it The long, long version I’m gonna play it really slow… And with only one guitar I’ll have to sing the solo La la la la... I’ve done my duty I came I saw I sang I played It would be nice to be listened to But either way I still get paid
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-00
Carla Ulbrich

Story

I seem to have overcome my bad taste in men, but my sweet tooth is intact (as far as I know. I've been avoiding the dentist for a while now).

Lyrics

About a quarter of a mile From our Mom and Dad’s Was a 7-11 Man were we glad I suppose they had beer And cigarettes no doubt But we were just kids All we cared about was the Candy and gum Tempting and delicious If I had a genie I would have used all my wishes On Candy and gum Spent up my allowance Every iota On bubble gum and sweet tarts And the occasional soda I didn’t wish upon a star For a Barbie or a Tonka I wanted a vacation At the home of Willie Wonka and his Candy and gum Enormous and plenty You’d think I’d lose interest By the time I was twenty But candy and gum That’s what your words were to me Satisfying and sweet Filled a desperate need But like a lot of empty calories It was just a bunch of talk And when you left without a word I nearly went into shock So I gathered up my nickels And I went down to the store On my trusty yellow ten speed Just like before Spent a dollar fifty Somewhere thereabout bought a bunch of bubble gum And I chewed you out
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-00
Carla Ulbrich

Story

Live version of my "big hit," complete with all 3 endings.
Carla Ulbrich
2003-02-00
Carla Ulbrich

Story

Kelson Slayman introduces me, and I introduce "I Have to Kill You Now."
Carla Ulbrich
01/31/2003
Carla Ulbrich

Story

I test the audience's limits with this foreshadowing of "Sick Humor," a little "taste" (ahem) of "The Colon."