Carla Ulbrich: Professional Smart Aleck

 
 

Sick Humor

Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics: Carla Ulbrich; music: Lloyd Price

Story

This is a parody of Lloyd Price's "Personality." This was written in various doctor waiting rooms, where it was common for me to wait for 2 hours past my appointment time before seeing anyone. Then I was usually brought back to an over-lit room, given a large paper towel to wear, and sat freezing my rear off for another half hour or longer. This is not karaoke, by the way- we used a real band (The Bob Malone Band) and recorded the whole thing from scratch in Hollywood. I've been to almost all these ologists, except the gastro, oncologist and Proctologist(!).

Lyrics

 

Sittin' In The Waiting Room

(Carla Ulbrich)

July 31, 2004

lyrics, Carla Ulbrich (music composed by Llyod Price)

This was written in various doctors' waiting rooms, where it was common for me to wait for 2 hours past my appointment time before seeing anyone. Then I was usually brought back to an over-lit room, given a large paper towel to wear, and sat freezing my rear off for another half hour or longer.

Over and over
I make an appointment with you
over and over
You're not sure what to do
over and over
you refer me to somebody new
So over and over
I'm sittin' in the waiting room
 
I'm at the rheumatologist nephrologist
Immunologist oncologist
Radiologist hematologist
They really need some new magazines in here
So over and over
I wish I'd brought something to do
'Cause I'm here over and over
Sittin' in the waiting room

I'm at the pulmonologist opthamologist
Pathologist gastroenterologist
Neurologist cardiologist
He didn't even listen to my heart
So over and over
I'll be a fool if I do
Just sit there over and over
In their waiting room

So over and over
This is what I've been through
Over and over
I tell 'em that it just won't do
I told them over and over
I'm not sitting here like a fool
So they took me over
To another waiting room

I'm at the gynecologist whoops
Phlebotomist proctologist
Psychologist urologist 
I waited for 2 hours
And Then I saw him walking to his car

Office hours were over
They were over
I knew what I had to do
I ran him over and over
Left him in the waiting room

Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
Carla Ulbrich

Story

This is a parody of one of my own songs ("What If Your Girlfriend Was Gone"). I wrote these lyrics when i was too skinny, and could not sit comfotably anywhere for more than a few minutes. Needless to say, that problem is now... rectified...

Lyrics

I was just wondering- hypothetically
What would you do? theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your butt was gone?

If sitting in a wooden chair felt like tacks
And you found you had nothing to hold up your slacks
'cause instead of a butt you had just a crack
Well something would have it be done

Would you write Dear Abby for advice in a letter
Put a cushion in the chair to make it feel better
Try to fatten up with Brie and cheddar
What if your butt was gone?

If your butt disappeared without a trace
And everyone looked all over the place
Why do you have that look on your face?
Hey it could happen to you

If that booty petootie that sweet derriere
Were now inexplicably no longer there
How soon would you miss it? How much would you care?
And what do you think you would do?

Would you call me up
Would you fall to pieces
Would you make it the topic of your doctoral thesis
Try to go out and find a prosthesis
What if your butt was gone?

A butt, as you know, can be skinny or fat
Dimpled or pimpled, curvy or flat
Like an opinion, everyone's got one
But what if your butt was suddenly not one

If something should happen hypothetically
What would you do? theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your butt was gone?

Would you call me up
Would you start confiding
How you tried to make it grow with fluorescent lighting
How you had to give up horseback riding
What if your butt was gone?

Would you realize there's a good selection
Shopping for clothes in the children's section
Would you go to your closet and make a commotion
Take all your pants and throw 'em in the ocean

Does your butt hang low does it wobble to and fro
Can you tie it in a knot can you tie it in a bow
Can you sling it over your shoulder like a continental soldier
What if your butt was gone?
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics: Carla Ulbrich; music: Tommy Tutone

Story

Sadly, not one word of this is fiction. Except I have no friends named Jenny. Character voices by Randy Crenshaw.

Lyrics

 

Jenny Jenny I gotta tell you
This is the worst hospital I've ever been to 
They made a sticker with my number to wear on my clothes
Just like a piece of meat in the grocery store

If you don't have a number treatment will be denied 
Fine then I'll take a number
Patient 2946065  
Jenny Jenny tell someone for me 
Another blanket sure would me so happy
I couldn't open my food I was getting perturbed

I tried using my spork then my tray overturned 
Woke me at 3am it's time for an MRI 
Then time to draw some blood from
Patient 2946065
 
I got it I got I got it 
I'm just a number on the wall
I got it I got I got it
Just a number to whoever's on call
 
Here come a bunch of doctors There must be 8 or 9 
We need to see you walk please 
Patient 2946065


Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
Carla Ulbrich

Story

A doctor friend remarked that these were the most medically accurate lyrics she had ever heard. I wrote this to what I thought was the tune "Comet... will make your mouth turn green/ comet it tastes like Listerine" (taught to me by my babysitter) but apparently, this tune was better known, or at least known first, as the one from the movie "Bridge over the River Kwai."

Lyrics

Prednisone will make you get real fat
Prednisone will give you cataracts
Prednisone it will destroy your bones
So get some prednisone destroy your bones today

Prednisone your moods are up and down
Prednisone your face is big and round
Prednisone will mess with your hormones
So take some Prednisone spend your life alone today

Give it to your cat Give it to your dog
Give it to your guinea pig
See em acting weird See em eat a lot
See em getting really big

Take it for your gout or if you've got a bout
Of poison oak or poison ivy
Take it in a drop Take it in a pill
Take it intravenously

Prednisone you start with one complaint
Prednisone now you've got 7 or 8
Prednisone you could be dead you know
So take your Prednisone or pick your tombstone today
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics Carla Ulbrich; music Willie Nelson

Story

OK singing this is a crime in Texas. Just so you know. Anyway, I learned that diuretics don't just make you pee... and that lacey underwear does not make a good barrier.

Lyrics

 
On the commode again
I can't believe I'm on the commode again
Some people call it makin' music with a rear end
And I can't believe I'm on the commode again

On the commode again
Goin' in places that I've never been
Seein' things I hope I never see again
And I can't believe I'm on the commode again

On the commode again
On the can the john the throne the loo the crapper
For all this time I spend
I've read everything from novels to knee-slappers
And tampon wrappers

On the commode again
Passing the time on the commode again
Hope noone hears the music comin' from my rear end
I can't believe I'm on the commode again

On the commode again
It can really be a problem on the highway
We're improvising then
Behind a tree or bush All I need's a little privacy
And some TP

'Til we find a commode again
I just can't wait to get on the commode again
I'd rather be out on the trampoline with my friends
But I can't wait to get on the commode again
No I can't wait to get on the commode again
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics Carla Ulbrich; music Paul Williams

Story

I started this idea when a friend of mine and i were on "vacation" doing juice fasts and coffee enemas (her idea). I figured, why nto finish it for the album- there just weren't enough poop references already.

Lyrics

Stools exciting and new
You're surprised what comes out of you
So try a fast try some fiber too
Let it float It floats back to you

The colon
Soon will be making another run
The colon
Pushes out all the toxins under the sun

Set a course for the bathroom
Prepare to unzip your pants
And dropping turds won't hurt anymore
It's an open flow to a friendly bowl

It's stools
Climb on aboard it's stoo---ls
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics Carla Ulbrich; music The Pretenders

Story

Wrote this after an unusally rude encounter with one of my "doctors." He may have the power to write prescriptions but i think most people find songs more entertaining (guess it depends on the prescription...)

Lyrics

Got crabs? Well that's a problem
Sprained ankle? Sorry to hear that
Flu symptoms Go see your GP
Gotta make you make you make you notice

I don't do arms
I don't do legs
I don't do feet
I don't do kidneys
I don't do fingers
I got my my my specialization oh

'Cause I'm who ya gotta see
If it's a blood thing
Hematology
I'm a specialist yeah a specialist
I gotta have some of your blood sample
Give it to me

You got anemia
That's more like it
Clotting problems
now we're talking
Hemophilia
I'm listening to you
Yeah you made me made me made me notice

I don't do arms
I don't do legs
I don't do joints
I don't do bladders
I don't do fingers
I got my my my specialization oh

'Cause I'm who ya gotta see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm a specialist yeah a specialist
I gotta have some of your blood sample give it to me

'Cause I'm who ya gotta see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm a specialist yeah a specialist
I gotta have your insurance card
Give it to me
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics Carla Ulbrich; music Huey Lewis and the News

Story

My left arm for a good phlebotomist!

Lyrics

I needed blood
They give it intravenously
After 4 tries
I told them to give up on me

They sent in someone else
But they were only student nurses
They need to practice somewhere else
Don't use my arms to rehearse it

I have found I need the best
'Cause my veins are small
You know what that's like
You work in pediatrics

Yes, it's true I am happy to be stuck by you
Yes, it's true I'm so happy to be stuck by you
'Cause I can see that you know how to start an IV

I had my doubts
But I never took them seriously
The doctor pops in and out
Guess that's the way it's s'posed to be

All my veins were blowing out
They went to get some more Band-Aids
I thought about checking out
'til you came in and saved the day

And it's no great mystery
Why I changed my mind
As long as it's you we can start the IV
Yes, it's true I am happy to be stuck by you
Yes, it's true I'm so happy to be stuck by you
'Cause I can see that you know how to start an IV

I have found I need the best
'Cause my veins are small
You know what that's like
You work in pediatrics

Yes, it's true, I am happy to be stuck by you
Yes, it's true, I'm so happy to be stuck by you
'Cause I can see that you know how to start an IV
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics Carla Ulbrich; music George Gershwin

Story

I attribute my "having a life" (despite my health history, diagnosis and prognosis) to stubbornness, open-mindedness, friendship, joy and hope.

Lyrics

Days can be sunny with never a sigh
Don't need what money can buy

Birds in the tree sing their day full of song
Why shouldn't we sing along
I'm chipper all the day happy with my lot
How do I get that way? Look at what I've got

I got tremors
I got numbness
I got anemia
Who could ask for anything more? 

I got headaches
I got nosebleeds
Kidney problems
Who could ask for anything more

Bad prognosis
I don't mind that
You will find that
I'll prove them wrong

I am stubborn
I've still got hope
I've got good friends
Who could ask for anything more
Who could ask for anything more

I got chapped lips
Toenail fungus
I've got no hair
Who could ask for anything more

But I've got choices
I've got good friends
I've got laughter
Who could ask for anything more
Who could ask for anything more

Bad prognosis
I don't mind that
you will find that
I am gonna prove them wrong

Who could ask for anything more?
Who could ask for anything more?
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
lyrics Carla Ulbrich; music trad.

Story

This was the first of the Sick Humor songs that I wrote. While I was re-learning the guitar from scratch (after the stroke), I played ukulele and baritone ukulele. The first songs in the uke book my friend Grant loaned me was "Little Brown Jug." I kept having to put the uke down and go pee. In a jug. Well, it was obvious.

Lyrics

My kidney function has been low
Some days I just don't have to go
Doctors have these tests they run
And there's one test that's lots of fun

Ha ha ha he he he
Little brown jug how I love thee
24 hours collecting my pee
In a little brown jug how I love thee

I tried to do as I was told
They said I had to keep it cold
In the fridge I didn't think
A friend would come and take a drink

Omigod she didn't see
That little brown jug is full of pee
What do I say? C'est la vie
Little brown jug how I love thee

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